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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25027069">My Name Is(n't) Alice</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/GetYourCapeOn/pseuds/GetYourCapeOn'>GetYourCapeOn</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Wonderland [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Batwoman (TV 2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alice's POV, Child Abuse, Dissociation, Heavy Angst, Mental Illness, Physical Abuse, Siblings, Verbal Abuse, graphic depictions of mental illness, listen if the show can shamelessly steal and quote lewis carroll all day so can i, pretty heavy fic so be warned, takes place after Kate gets dishonorably discharged but before the discovery of The Head, the first part of a series, using a book as a coping mechanism</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 07:48:51</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,102</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25027069</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/GetYourCapeOn/pseuds/GetYourCapeOn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After her dishonorable discharge from the military, Kate just wants to be alone but she finds herself drawn to the house where they had looked for Beth right before they stopped looking for her. </p><p>Or, Kate finally finds her sister.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Wonderland [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1812343</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>55</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>My Name Is(n't) Alice</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is a pretty heavy fic that deals with a lot of emotional trauma and abuse. Nothing is overly graphic violence-wise but it's still there. </p><p>This is just the first part of a series.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The Queen takes her daily rest at two in the afternoon. Three is teatime. Four is cleaning and dinner prep. They eat at six. Alice clears the table at six-thirty. Some days, Mouse helps her. Other days, the Caterpillar makes him work. He has to study hard. He has to learn. Alice doesn’t learn--that isn’t her job. Her job is to take care of the Queen and to keep their castle clean. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s two-fifteen when she gets out of the castle. She usually spends time with Mouse but the Caterpillar is angry with him today and Alice sits beneath a tree with her book, tucked away safely. She knows better than to be too far from the Queen--the last time she wasn’t there when her name was called, the Queen had beaten her bloody with a metal ladle. The bruises had lasted for weeks, moving from black to purple to brown to green and she was terrified that it would happen again even if the ladle in question was far too twisted to be used again. The Queen never lacked something to use on her be it scalding hot tea or her own hand. And if she strayed too close to the edge of Wonderland, the Caterpillar himself would punish her. And maybe even Mouse for “helping” her even if it wasn’t his fault. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So she stays beneath the shade of a tree not too far from the castle and she doesn’t read her book so much as stare at its pages. She’s memorized every word by now and her fingers simply trace the yellowing edges of the pages. What would she do if the Queen were to lose her temper and destroy it? The Queen had taken it from her once, many years ago when she first arrived, and Alice had been too terrified to deny her ever since. It’s all she has. Just a book and a necklace. Even the clothes she sews for herself don’t feel like hers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s almost summer now and Alice doesn’t know how many there have been since she tumbled into Wonderland. There have been many winters, long and cold in her dungeon room, and summer always feels like a surprise. There is Christmas every year but it feels </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong</span>
  </em>
  <span> to her. Like she’s never strung lights on a tree. The Queen had beaten her that first Christmas for doing it wrong and she had cried all night after the Queen had stripped one of the branches and whipped her with it. No, summer is better. Safer. Brighter. It isn’t bitingly cold and she doesn’t have to beg the Queen for blankets. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sound of a motor startles Alice and she drops her book in shock. It’s louder than any engine she’s ever heard and she scrambles to her feet, clutching her book to her chest, far too frightened of losing it to leave it behind. What if the sound wakes the Queen? What if the Queen thinks it’s her fault? The Queen needs her rest and the castle </span>
  <em>
    <span>must </span>
  </em>
  <span>be silent so she can sleep. The engine practically roars now and Alice can barely breathe. She looks up at the attic, at the window where she fears the Queen’s face will appear at any moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She has to stop the noise. Whoever is here--they aren’t allowed to be here. They’re an intruder. She has to make them </span>
  <em>
    <span>leave</span>
  </em>
  <span> before the Caterpillar finds out. She doesn’t know what will happen if someone comes here but she won’t take that chance. It’s better to be punished for getting rid of the car than to be punished for doing </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So she runs as fast as she can, heart beating so quickly that it hurts. It’s so </span>
  <em>
    <span>loud</span>
  </em>
  <span> in the stillness of the trees and she worries that it might be as loud as the engine now. She glances over her shoulder once more at the castle, at the window where the Queen is hidden, and she knows that she’ll pay for this. It’s her fault. She’ll deserve the beating she gets but maybe she can lessen it somehow. Maybe she can stop the sound and it will be okay. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The dirt road is wide enough for only one car and it isn’t a car at all that is tearing down it. A motorcycle, she thinks, unsure of where the word comes from. But the person riding it is going so </span>
  <em>
    <span>fast</span>
  </em>
  <span> and she doesn’t know what to do other than run toward them in a desperate attempt to keep them from coming closer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s further than she’s ever dared step, the woods terrifying in their vastness, their danger enough to keep her away. The Queen had tied her to a tree out here once when she had been particularly bad and the thought of the monsters lurking out there had made her beg for forgiveness in the morning. Alice has never come this far before and she can’t seem to stop herself now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But then something catches at her ankle, something sharp that bites into her skin and makes her crash to the ground, her book skidding away from her as she falls hard. A trap, she thinks distantly as her ears ring from the fall. To keep monsters out. It might have stopped the motorcycle had Alice not interfered. And now she feels foolish for not trusting the Caterpillar to keep people away and she cries into the dirt because she should have hidden in her room instead of running towards the sound. She </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows better</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The engine stops and she hears footsteps approach and she realizes the ringing in her ears is some sort of alarm. Someone touches her and she jerks away, falling backwards on her elbows as she looks up at the person staring down at her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The woman had taken off her helmet. She’s dressed in black leather. Her eyes are wide and blue. She’s beautiful, Alice thinks, and somehow familiar. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You can’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>be</span>
  </em>
  <span> here,” Alice says and her chest is tight--so tight--that she’s shaking. She can hear shouting coming from behind her and she </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows</span>
  </em>
  <span> that it’s the Caterpillar. He’ll think that she’s tried to leave and the last time she tried, back when she had first come here, before the Queen had arrived--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you okay?” the woman asks as she steps over the metal wire that had tripped Alice to kneel beside her. She’s about the same age as Alice and Mouse and her eyes are pale blue just like Alice’s. Just like--someone that Alice can’t quite place. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alice!” she hears from somewhere behind her and it’s the Caterpillar, loud and angry and she cries and flinches when the woman touches her. “What have you done?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He must be able to see them now and the woman looks up and--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A necklace. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Red. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Just like--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kate.” The name falls from Alice’s lips, forgotten for so long. Sister, her mind supplies. Alice has a sister. She had a sister before tumbling into Wonderland and her sister is here now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The woman is looking at her now, pale and confused and she’s--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She picks up Alice, throwing her over her shoulder with ease, and they’re back over the wire and the motorcycle and--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alice is on the motorcycle, in front of Kate, seated sideways as the bike roars to life and Alice clings to Kate’s shirt and shuts her eyes as they race away from Wonderland. Away from the Caterpillar. Away from the Queen. Away from Mouse. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Away from her book. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stop!” Alice cries. “I have to go back!” Her book. Her </span>
  <em>
    <span>book</span>
  </em>
  <span> is lying on the road and surely it will be destroyed. And Mouse--he’s all alone now. Will the Queen turn on him? Will they hurt him because she has disappeared? “Let me go! I have to go back!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The motorcycle is too fast and Kate’s arms are steady as Alice tries to push them away from her but she’s boxed in and they’re going so fast that she’d be dead if she breaks free. “I have to go back! The Queen needs me! Kate!” she’s screaming now, hysterical as she finds herself clinging to Kate’s arm. She can only think of what they’ll do to her book and to Mouse. Will they burn her book? Tear it into a million pieces? What will the Queen do to Mouse? What will the Caterpillar do to Mouse? What will happen if no one is there to fix Mouse’s face for him? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It feels like an eternity before they slow down and there’s smooth, solid ground beneath them. And lights. So many lights. And there must be hundreds of cars driving past them and it’s--so much. “You have to bring me back,” she says but Kate simply rolls the motorcycle to a stop and pulls her into a tight, fierce hug. “The Queen will be so angry with me.” She feels herself fall apart in Kate’s arms, allowing herself to be held in a way she has never been before. Not as Alice at least. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can’t believe you’re alive, Beth,” Kate says and it’s--wrong. That isn’t her name. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m Alice,” she corrects but the words are soft. Defeated. Simply words. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then how did you know my name?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She doesn’t know how to answer that other than </span>
  <em>
    <span>because Alice has a sister</span>
  </em>
  <span>. But her sister has always been nameless. Faceless. Until now. Now her sister is </span>
  <em>
    <span>Kate</span>
  </em>
  <span> and she has a face and a </span>
  <em>
    <span>voice</span>
  </em>
  <span> that’s soft but rough at the same time and it just--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s right. The way it should be. This is Kate and she is--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’s Alice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m Alice,” she repeats because, if she isn’t Alice, who is she? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then how do you know me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’s quiet for a long moment before she finally answers. “You’re my sister.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They’re both silent and Kate holds her tighter and Kate is sniffling above her while Alice simply stares at all the cars on the road. She has never seen so many. Or--hasn’t in a long time. She doesn’t know anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m taking you home. Beth--or Alice--whoever you are, I’m taking you home, with me, okay? I won’t let anyone hurt you anymore.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her book is behind them. Mouse is behind them. But there’s also the Caterpillar and the Queen and Alice--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She doesn’t want to go back to Wonderland. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>…</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>She clings to Kate as they enter a </span>
  <em>
    <span>parking garage</span>
  </em>
  <span>. It’s dimly lit and there are so many cars and Alice hides her face in the back of Kate’s jacket because it’s so </span>
  <em>
    <span>much</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
  <em>
    <span>This place</span>
  </em>
  <span> feels familiar but so different and unsettling and she doesn’t know how to handle it. She trusts Kate, though. She knows Kate will protect her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kate had called someone while they were driving and Alice only half-listened to it. She knows all the words Kate says but they’re still somehow unfamiliar. When was the last time that Alice had had access to anything? There was a television but she had never been allowed to watch it. That is only for the Caterpillar and, on occasion, the Queen. Alice isn’t allowed to watch things or read. All she does is aid the Queen and play with Mouse. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kate stops the motorcycle and helps her off of it and it’s dinner time now and Alice isn’t there to make it and--she’ll pay for this. She’s going to be in so much trouble when she goes home. She shouldn’t be here. She should have never gone with Kate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now that she’s walking, the pain in her leg is unavoidable. She had cut it on the wire earlier and there’s dried blood caking her ankle and shoe. Kate had taken a look at it earlier and had promised to deal with it when they were safe. Are they safe now, Alice wonders, or is this all just another trap? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I called and let them know I had you,” Kate says as she leads her into an elevator. Alice hesitates but Kate takes her hand and smiles a sad, soft smile. Mouse smiles at her like that sometimes. And Alice steps inside and the doors shut and the thing </span>
  <em>
    <span>moves</span>
  </em>
  <span> and Alice has to cling to the wall with her free hand, caught off guard by the sudden motion. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What about Mouse?” Alice finally has the courage to ask. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her sister frowns a little and Alice recoils, ready for her to lash out. But she doesn’t and her thumb strokes carefully over the back of Alice’s hand like she’s precious. Like she matters. She doesn’t know if anyone has ever touched her like this before. “Who’s Mouse?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s my brother. Please, Kate, the Caterpillar and the Queen have him! They’ll do unspeakable things with me gone. He’s--he’s fragile and the Queen has a </span>
  <em>
    <span>temper</span>
  </em>
  <span> and if I am not there to pour her tea on time then I’m afraid that she might do to him what she does to me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The Crows are on their way,” Kate says and she looks afraid again. Pale and wide-eyed and afraid. The way Alice feels. Do they wear the same expression, she wonders, or are Alice’s eyes too full of tears? “They’re going to arrest them.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But my Mouse has done nothing wrong! He is the only one who is kind to me, Kate, and I cannot allow him to be punished simply because I thought to chase you off before you could wake the Queen!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll talk to them,” Kate says softly and Alice knows she means it. “I’ll make sure they know the truth, Beth.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The name makes Alice flinch and she shakes her head wildly. “I am </span>
  <em>
    <span>Alice</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” she corrects and her chest feels tight again because, if she isn’t Alice, </span>
  <em>
    <span>who is she</span>
  </em>
  <span>? “My name is Alice!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kate looks hurt. Almost as if someone had hit her but they are alone in this elevator that is going up, up, up. Away from Wonderland, back up the Rabbit Hole, further and further from the Caterpillar and the Queen and Mouse. “Okay, Alice,” Kate sounds heartbroken but she doesn’t try to change her mind. “I’ll tell them to call you Alice, too. If that’s what you want, you can be Alice.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The elevator dings and Kate tugs her gently into the hallway. There is only a single door in front of them and Alice doesn’t know what to expect on the other side. She has never been anywhere other than Wonderland. No--she has. She has been with Kate before. Kate, whose hair used to be long the way Alice’s hair had been long. And Kate had played sports and she had been brave and strong and she had always protected Alice. Except--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door opens for them and there’s a man in the doorway and he looks at Alice like she’s a ghost and he steps into the hallway. She can’t read his expression and he’s reaching towards her and she skitters away from him, clinging to Kate and hiding her face. He’s tall and broad and he looks angry and, while she trusts Kate, Alice is terrified that this man will hurt her. Or bring her back to the Queen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, Alice,” Kate says quietly and no one touches her. No one speaks for several very long moments. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alice?” the man asks finally and his voice is low and angry and Alice whimpers into the back of Kate’s jacket. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t make me go back,” she begs even though her heart aches for Mouse and her book. She doesn’t know how she can possibly go back to Wonderland now that she remembers Kate. She doesn’t know how she can stay here, either. She doesn’t belong anywhere anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Later, Dad,” Kate says before tugging Alice along behind her, past the man and through the doorway. They are in an entrance that opens into a kitchen full of shining counters and appliances and a living room with pristine white couches. The afternoon sun slants through the huge windows, illuminating all of it. There’s a girl with long, dark hair sitting. She’s wearing too much makeup, the Queen would say, and her hair is too long. And she’s looking at Alice with something akin to wonder. “That’s Mary,” Kate explains before leading her further into the room. They turn down a hallway and there’s a series of doors before Kate opens one and pulls her inside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There are pictures on the wall and there is a bed bigger than Alice had ever thought a bed could be. There’s a rich, red cover on it that is neat and tidy and perfect. There are suitcases left wide open and there are clothes in them that haven’t been folded and Alice has to fight the reflex to clean them. Things have to be neat and tidy and perfect or the Queen will punish her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looks, instead, at a picture frame set carefully on the bedside table. She picks it up like it’s the most delicate thing she’s ever touched and it’s them. A picture of Alice with her long hair and bright smile. Kate’s hair up and out of the way, smiling too. They’re young in that picture, maybe ten or so, and two people stand behind them. Their parents, maybe. One of them is the man who had been at the door. The other is a woman who feels so familiar it hurts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you remember that?” Kate asks quietly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I remember you,” Alice says. “You hated it when your hair got in the way. You always wore it up but you told me that you kept it long to impress the girl who lived two houses down who told you you had beautiful hair once.” She doesn’t remember it the way she should. It’s like a dream--hazy and constantly slipping out of her fingers like smoke. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah.” Kate is smiling and crying and Alice wonders how old she had been when she cut her hair off. “Alice, we need to talk to Dad. Just give me a minute to talk to him. He was surprised, that’s all. You don’t have to be scared anymore. I’ll be back for you in a minute and we can get you cleaned up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alice nods and Kate disappears immediately, the door clicking softly shut behind her. She looks down at herself and winces. Her whole front is caked with dirt and her palms are scratched from when she tried to catch herself. The leg that hadn’t caught on the wire has a skinned knee and she’s certain that the wind has otherwise made her hair unpresentable. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s terrible. All of this is terrible and she drops her head into her hands and cries. Kate is her sister. Kate is here. Kate </span>
  <em>
    <span>rescued</span>
  </em>
  <span> her. She can hear hushed voices in the distance, all sounding angry. She hears the name </span>
  <em>
    <span>Beth</span>
  </em>
  <span> a few times before silence. And then footsteps. The door opening. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alice.” It’s Kate speaking to her now, Kate’s hand on her elbow, Kate pulling her to her chest. “I’m sorry but I have to take you somewhere. They need to make sure that you’re okay and--and to make sure that the… people who took you are punished.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Took her. Did they take her? She doesn’t remember. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They need to take a statement from you, too. But I’m going with you. I won’t leave you. Not again. Never again.” Alice falls into Kate and--they’re not just sisters. They’re twins, she remembers. They spent every single day together until she became Alice. She belongs with Kate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kate has an arm around her shoulders as she leads them back into the apartment, holding her protectively. The girl who was on the couch is standing in the kitchen now, looking sad and worried. The man is near the door and he looks less angry now. Upset, yes, but not angry. Kate’s father. Alice’s father. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She doesn’t remember him but Kate is holding her and Alice knows that Kate will do anything to protect her. They’re twins. Kate loves her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry I frightened you, Alice,” he says. His voice is still rumbling but his tone is gentler. “I was caught off guard. We--we thought you were dead.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dead. Yes, Alice knows that that’s why Kate stopped looking for her. Dead, like their mother. “Come on, let’s just get this over with,” Kate says and the girl--Mary--leads the way out of the apartment. “We’re taking you to the Crows. It’s better to talk to them than to talk to the police. They’ll fix this faster than the police ever could and they’re expecting us.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Birds? This certainly isn’t Wonderland anymore and Alice doesn’t know what to do. She clings to Kate (her </span>
  <em>
    <span>twin</span>
  </em>
  <span>) and Mary gives her a small smile but says nothing. She’s no one that Alice recognizes but she isn’t as frightening as her father so she doesn’t question it. The entire ride in the elevator is silent and Kate holds onto her tightly. And then they’re in a parking lot again and there’s a black car. It’s small and the windows are dark and having four of them in it--it’s too small. It’s too small and this place is too bright with fake lights and the sun is beginning to set and she’s late for tea and dinner and the Queen will burn her and the Caterpillar will lock her in the cellar and let her starve for this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have to go back,” Alice says as she turns to face Kate. “I’m late with the tea. If there’s no tea and there’s no cream, the Queen will be angry. Please, Kate, I have to go back! She’ll destroy my book and she’ll throw the tea at me again. You have to take me back there! The Caterpillar bought her a new ladle and she promised me that, this time, she’ll heat it on the burner first so I learn!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her voice echoes in the large, open space and she has to clap a hand over her mouth to stop the sound. “They will </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> hurt you,” Kate says but Alice can barely hear her because her ears are ringing and she can’t breathe anymore. The air smells </span>
  <em>
    <span>toxic</span>
  </em>
  <span> here and she can’t get enough oxygen. Kate is warm and she smells clean and like warm leather but it isn’t enough. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s having a panic attack,” a new voice says as Alice crumples against Kate. Her breaths are short and sharp and they </span>
  <em>
    <span>hurt</span>
  </em>
  <span> and she can only think of the cellar, of the Queen, of the Caterpillar. Her book and her Mouse. Everything is gone now and she hears the voice talking again, telling her that it’s okay, but she can’t understand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’s sitting on Kate’s lap and Kate is holding her and Alice is begging to go back. She has to go back. They’re going to be </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> angry when they find her. She doesn’t know what she’s saying anymore, just a stream of consciousness. She needs to follow the white rabbit. She has to go back to Wonderland. She needs to bring the smoking Caterpillar his pipe or he’ll be angry. The Queen needs her tea or it will be off with her head. She’s been so good. She hasn’t done anything wrong. She didn’t mean to run. She has to go back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She doesn’t know how long it takes for her to fade from desperate crying to short, sharp breaths. “Breathe, Alice, in and out. I know you feel like you can’t but just focus on each breath. Breathe in… and out. Good, that’s perfect. Keep going.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The voice is soothing and calm and they’re moving, she realizes. The car. They’re in the car. She doesn’t dare open her eyes and she can feel both of Kate’s arms around her, holding her close enough that she can feel every breath her sister takes. “Should we give her something?” the gruff voice of her father asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely not,” the other voice says--Mary. It must be Mary. “We don’t know if she’s been dosed with anything. Do I need to remind you how </span>
  <em>
    <span>dangerous</span>
  </em>
  <span> it can be to mix drugs? Giving her anything could be a death sentence and a panic attack isn’t putting her in life threatening danger so it </span>
  <em>
    <span>isn’t </span>
  </em>
  <span>worth the risk. Once they run her blood, you can </span>
  <em>
    <span>offer </span>
  </em>
  <span>her something but forcing it isn’t going to help the situation!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mary manages to sound firm without being angry and Alice doesn’t know how it’s possible. Maybe it’s because Mary is so young. Maybe it’s because Alice has never met a girl her own age. Maybe that’s what the difference is. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, Alice,” Mary says again, her tone level. Encouraging. Gentle. She doesn’t sound afraid the way Kate does or angry the way her father does. She doesn’t sound defeated like Mouse or cruel like the Queen or cold like the Caterpillar. She sounds </span>
  <em>
    <span>kind</span>
  </em>
  <span>. “We’re taking you in to see a doctor. Kate said that you cut your leg pretty badly on something metal. We have to make sure it doesn’t get infected.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I can fix it,” Alice says. She feels a little bit better with Mary speaking to her. Not much but a little. It’s something to focus on that isn’t the tightness of her chest or the smallness of the car or the Queen or the Caterpillar. “I can--if you give me some thread.” Her voice is breathy but she knows better than to mumble. “A needle and thread and it will be fixed and you can bring me back--” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Back where? To Wonderland? To Kate’s home? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That’s not--” her father starts and Kate is the one to stop him the moment she feels Alice freeze. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re </span>
  <em>
    <span>scaring</span>
  </em>
  <span> her!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s more noise, jumbled and too much and she knows she’s made a terrible mistake. She should </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> have come here. She needs to go back to Wonderland. It’s what she knows, what she understands. It’s so </span>
  <em>
    <span>loud</span>
  </em>
  <span> here, so chaotic and confusing and she doesn’t have her book to calm her. She can’t run her fingers along Mouse’s poem about a dog to soothe herself. She likes the way the poem sways along the page, the way the words flow like water over her tongue. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Such a trial, dear Sir, with no jury or judge, would be wasting our breath,” Alice mumbles. “I’ll be judge, I’ll be jury, said the cunning old Fury.” She can picture each word, each letter as it moves down the page of her book. She has always said them during the worst of times. When Mouse was kept from her for days, when the Queen had been particularly cruel to her, when it was so cold that she could barely feel her toes. “I’ll try the whole cause, and condemn you to death.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Kate asks, suddenly quiet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s Mouse’s poem,” Alice explains, feeling less shaky now that she’s fallen back into the book. The Wonderland within the pages instead of the Wonderland filled with pain and fear. “He meets a dog and his tail--swish swish swish across the page. He is the kindest in all of Wonderland. Nothing at all like the Caterpillar or the Queen of Hearts.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The car stops before anyone else can speak and Alice finally opens her eyes. It’s tight inside the car, the man sitting up front by himself while Mary sits on the bench with Kate. And Alice is sideways, cradled against Kate’s chest, and there’s more artificial light. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mary is holding a rectangle that she pushes into the pocket of her white dress before climbing out of the car and opening Kate’s door. “Come with us, Alice. It’s going to be okay.” She pulls out the rectangle again, glancing at it nervously, and slips it back into her pocket. Like a pocket watch with no chain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s easier now, following the White Rabbit instead of her father. The Rabbit looks at her watch again, strange and rectangular and clunky in her hand, far too big to be anything other than a giant pocket watch, and Alice lets Kate support her as they move through the strangest world. She feels lightheaded as they walk and her heart is still beating too fast and her chest still hurts and she can still barely breathe but it’s okay. It’s fine. This is how Alice falls into Wonderland, after all, and soon there will be Mouse and the Caterpillar and the Queen and Alice will wake up beneath the tree with her book in her lap and it will be time for tea at any moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s so much happening beyond the doors. People all dressed in black, a flurry of activity, angry voices. More people than Alice has ever seen all crammed into this tiny space and it’s dark and it feels like a tunnel and Alice--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alice doesn’t want to go to Wonderland. She doesn’t want to see the Queen. She doesn’t want to fall at the Caterpillar’s feet. She doesn’t want to smell the smoke from his pipe. She doesn’t want to fix faces anymore. She doesn’t want to feel detached skin beneath her fingers or the pull of a thread as she delicately sews Mouse a new face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The White Rabbit is speaking to her, her voice no longer calm. No, she’s speaking to Kate, she realizes. Urgently. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late!</span>
  </em>
  <span> The pocket watch is pulled out of the Rabbit’s pocket again and she looks at the time and leads the way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next room they step into is wonderfully, blissfully quiet. Alice can hear herself think again. Which--isn’t the best thing, if she’s quite honest with herself. She had known who she was this morning but she had changed several times since then and she can’t seem to figure out which way is up and which way is down. She feels Kate’s hand drop from around her waist and her vision unfocuses and Kate’s other hand on her elbow is the only thing keeping her grounded. She would very much like to go back to Wonderland. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Beth, come on!” Her father is gripping her by the shoulders and Alice sways a little as she looks at him. He’s angry. Confused. And he wants answers she doesn’t have. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She knows the words so well. She knows this part, the part where the Caterpillar speaks to her, demands to know about her, and Alice not knowing how to answer. It’s all written neatly in the book and yet--she feels herself stumbling because her vision is blurry and her knees are weak and she’s cold and scared and the Queen will have her head for this. “I can’t explain myself, I’m afraid, sir,” she quotes because she doesn’t know what to say anymore. She is Alice. This is a terrible dream. Soon she’ll wake up and tell her sister of the strange dreams she’s had. “Because I am not myself, you see.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s angry at the response. He takes a breath and she knows what he’s about to do. He’s going to hit her and she’ll be lucky if it’s just his hand. She’ll be lucky if he hits her once and lets her lie on the floor. Will he hit Kate, she wonders, or perhaps the White Rabbit who has been nothing but kind to her. Soft and level in a way that the man who is her father who is the Caterpillar who is her father who is the Caterpillar--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He moves and she jerks out of his grip, hands raised to protect herself, waiting for the blow that is sure to come. “I’m afraid I can’t put it more clearly!” The conversation. The lines. She has to finish the lines and focus on the words and not the man or the pain or the fear. “For--for I can’t understand it myself to begin with.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her back hits a wall and she loses her balance, sliding to the floor. What are the words? What are they? She can see them, taste them, but she can’t quite reach them and </span>
  <em>
    <span>where is her book</span>
  </em>
  <span> and where is Mouse and why is she here and her sister is--Kate, her sister is Kate. Her sister is Kate. “And being--so many different sizes,” there they are. The words. The lines. The comfort in the repetition. “So many different sizes in a day is very confusing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That’s what Alice says to the Caterpillar. It’s what she says now. The man--not the Caterpillar for he doesn’t reek of smoke and there is no ever-present pipe in his hand--Kate’s father--he looks at her with none of the contempt characteristic of the Caterpillar. He isn’t the Caterpillar. She said the wrong line and she doesn’t know what words to say now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe you should go check on the situation with the house,” the White Rabbit says. “And I know GCPD will want to talk to you, Kate.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not leaving her,” Kate growls and Alice flinches away from her, startled to find her crouched next to her on the ground. She had been so focused on her father that she hadn’t seen her sister.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s heartbreak in Kate’s eyes as she looks at Alice. She looks guilty for scaring her. And just--sad. Her eyes are swimming with tears and she doesn’t think she’s ever seen Kate look like that before. When was the last time she cried? Kate was always the stronger one. Kate was always the brave one. If Kate had fallen into Wonderland instead of Alice… </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She would’ve run. She would’ve broken out of there and saved Mouse and gone home. But Alice--she isn’t like that at all. She has never been strong or brave the way Kate is. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alice doesn’t understand what’s happening but her father leaves and the door slams and it’s--quiet. The pocket watch is in Mary’s hand again and Alice wonders if it ticks. Maybe it toks. “Let’s get her off the floor,” Mary says with an encouraging smile. There’s a small bed against the wall and Kate helps Alice up onto it and it’s--so much. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you know who you are?” Mary asks. Gently. With a smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m Alice,” Alice replies and she doesn’t understand why no one believes her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, Alice,” Mary’s voice is still level and her smile doesn’t feel fake or forced. Sad, yes, but not cruel. “But you know Kate?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, of course I do. Kate is my sister. We’re--we were…” Alice trails off and looks at Kate. Kate looks nervous. Terrified, really, and Alice feels sick at the sight of it. “Twins,” she finishes before she locks her gaze on Mary again. “Please,” she says, desperation making her grip Mary’s hand--the one that hasn’t been reaching for the pocket watch. “I have to return, dear Rabbit. I am not who you think I am and you must return me to the Queen’s Court before she has my head.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alice doesn’t know how long it’s been since she left but she knows that it must be time for dinner at the very least. And the Queen--the Queen loathes tardiness. “She hates me for I am young and beautiful and she is old and haggard. And I have to go back because Her Majesty can’t be kept waiting or she will beat me until I beg for death!” She needs to know the words. She needs the comfort of the words but they aren’t here and she doesn’t know what to say with Kate here. Alice barely has any lines with her sister in the book but with Mary--the White Rabbit--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Or something to say to herself. Just--anything. “Somehow you strayed and lost your way,” Alice says. The words aren’t for Alice to say but she’s desperate enough to grasp at them anyways, filling the silence with them so she can breathe. “And now there’ll be no time to play, no time for joy, no time for friends--not even time to make amends.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She can see the words again, evenly typed, neatly printed. It’s easier, now, to see Kate, her sister, and Mary with her pocket watch. She’s fine. She’ll be home soon and she’ll simply explain things to the Queen and the Caterpillar. They’ll be angry, of course, but she’s faced it before. And she will take her punishment and then things will be as they always were after that. Everything will be as it should be. The White Rabbit will bring her right back to Wonderland. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is she talking about?” Kate asks, her question directed at Mary. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s quoting Alice in Wonderland,” Mary says as she taps at her pocket watch. Is it not working, Alice wonders, or does the watch do more than just tell time? “In the book--she has an older sister. I think that’s why she recognized you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There isn’t anything said for a long moment and the door opening startles all three of them. Kate is on her feet, ready to fight, and Mary nearly drops her pocket watch. The woman standing in the doorway is wearing pale green, like a uniform, Alice thinks, and her dark eyes are kind. But she looks at Alice in a way that makes her squirm and she’s grateful that Kate is still here with her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hi, I’m Dr. Lewis,” the woman says, her voice low and soft. “I’m here to make sure that you’re okay. Director Kane told me that you go by Alice. Is that right?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kate is tense beside her but Mary looks relieved and it’s enough for Alice for the moment. “Yes.” Alice watches the doctor pull on a pair of grey gloves and pull a little cart towards them. It’s about waist height with several shelves, many of them holding things in jars or containers that Alice doesn’t recognize. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m going to need to take a look at you and we need to take your clothes. Mary said she grabbed something for you to wear in the meantime. Or you can use what we have here, whatever makes you more comfortable.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alice grips the hem of her dress, clutching it to herself. Why? Why do they need her clothes? She doesn’t understand any of this. “I don’t understand why you are doing this. But please--” she turns to Mary because Mary is the only one who can help. “You have to take me back. I’ve seen you check the time and surely you’re late and I’ll follow you and we’ll both be back in Wonderland. Please, you have to take me back before the Queen can hurt my Mouse!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>All of them are looking at her, each with different expressions. But she’s focused on Mary, the one who she trusts to take her back. Because that’s how the story goes. And Alice follows the White Rabbit and--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The Crows have already been dispatched,” Kate says. “I told them where the house is and they should be there by now. There’s nothing to go home to.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nothing. There is nothing there anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That isn’t possible. It just--it can’t be. These people, knights or cards or--or </span>
  <em>
    <span>crows</span>
  </em>
  <span>--they can’t have done this. It’s fine. The Caterpillar and Mouse and the Queen are there and it’s--it’s fine. This is a dream or a fantasy or--the words, </span>
  <em>
    <span>where are the words</span>
  </em>
  <span>? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Things feel hazy as someone shakes her and she can see Kate’s worried face but nothing connects to it. She can </span>
  <em>
    <span>hear </span>
  </em>
  <span>things but they don’t make sense. Everything is blurry and Alice’s life is over. She can’t do this anymore. She can’t remember how the story goes. The pages are blank and there is no script, no comfort of letter after letter, all in perfect line. She doesn’t remember how to breathe--</span>
  <em>
    <span>how can she remember how to breathe without it written out for her?</span>
  </em>
  <span>--and she feels faint and Kate’s face blurs through her tears because this </span>
  <em>
    <span>can’t be right</span>
  </em>
  <span> and then it all stops. Everything fades to staticky white and there is nothing left. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But something cuts through it. “Down, down, down. Would the fall never come to an end?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The words are an instant balm and Alice knows the next line. “I wonder how many miles I’ve fallen by this time? I must be getting somewhere near the centre of the Earth.” She breathes again as she focuses on Mary who is looking at her pocket watch as if reading it far more intently than she needs to. “Let me see: that would be four thousand miles down, I think--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For you see, Alice had learnt several things of this sort in her lessons in the school room, and though this was not a very good opportunity for showing off her knowledge, as there was no one to listen to her, still it was good practice to say it over.” Mary looks up at her after that and offers a small smile. “Can the doctor take care of you, Alice? I promise she'll be quick. And we can say the lines if it helps you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alice nods hesitantly before continuing, the words a little broken as she reluctantly lifts her dress up and over her head. Mary reads with her when she falters at the look Kate wears. "They did this to you?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alice looks down at herself and the bruises look particularly dreadful in the stark white light of the room. Some of them are deep purple and others are faded to brown or yellow. Some of them are from the Queen and others are from the Caterpillar. Being in the way, reluctance to work on faces, tardiness, and frustration are all fair game for punishment. It isn't as bad as it used to be but the Queen and the Caterpillar have been particularly angry with each other lately and Alice is the way that they vent their anger. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Most of them are well earned," she says because she knows that she has many shortcomings particularly after the Queen hurts her hands. She had been shaking from being scalded last week when she had to fix Mouse's face and had ruined the skin she was to use because of it. The Caterpillar had shoved her into the wall and kicked her as she begged for mercy. The next day she did it right despite the fact that it hurt to breathe. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Is that what they tell you?" Kate growls and Mary is quiet now, the lines abandoned as she waits for Alice to answer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The doctor's face is grim as she picks up Alice's dress and puts it in a clear bag. "The bruises to your ribs look like they might be severe. Does it hurt to breathe?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"They're nothing," Alice says as she wraps her arms around herself. "I earned them for my negligence. Skin that comes from faces is so difficult to procure and ruining it is unacceptable." There's a look of horror on Kate's face and Alice curls in on herself. She doesn't like being looked at like that.  It's horrible and uncomfortable here and she doesn't know what to do. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You can get dressed now, Alice, as long as you're sure they aren't causing you pain," the doctor says. Mary grabs the bag she's wearing and pulls out a bundle of clothes to hand to Alice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It takes a moment for Alice to figure out the shirt but she slips the soft, loose material over her head. It's plain black but it feels nicer than anything she's worn before. Usually she's given cloth to make her own dresses and the fabric is usually coarse to the touch. The shorts she holds are too short and she knows that she can't wear them. It isn't proper. The Queen thinks she should always look proper and that means she must wear a skirt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm going to clean your injured leg now Alice," Dr. Lewis says as she sits on a low stool. “Can you tell me what happened? What did you cut it on?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The doctor takes her gently by the ankle to keep her still and lifts a piece of gauze to clean it. Alice looks up at her sister and Kate looks absolutely terrified. The gauze touches Alice’s leg and she tightens her grip on the shorts as she does her best not to move despite the pain. “It was a wire. The Caterpillar must’ve set it up to keep me from wandering off. We can’t have just anyone stumbling across us.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do people go there?” Mary asks. Kate shoots her a look over her shoulder that Alice can’t see but the doctor is still cleaning her leg and focusing is a little difficult. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course not,” Alice says as she grits her teeth against the pain. “It’s just us. The Queen of Hearts, the Caterpillar, Mouse. And me. Just… just us.” Would they care about the bodies that came to them? All the heads that the Caterpillar hoarded so that their faces could be carefully peeled off? Did those count? “The Caterpillar goes off with Mouse sometimes but I have to stay with the Queen. She loses her temper, you see, dear sister,” she says to Kate. “Her tea must be on time and the house must be spotless. And if it isn’t--” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She stares into the distance, suddenly caught up in the thought of the Queen of Hearts. Of how angry she’ll be. Because Alice--Alice isn’t permitted to leave Wonderland. How bad will it be this time? She feels faint and she’s cold and the doctor is stitching her leg shut and Alice doesn’t know what to do anymore. She doesn’t know who she is. All she knows is Kate and yet Kate seems just as frightened as she is. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Words. She needs words and any will do right now. No--what she </span>
  <em>
    <span>needs</span>
  </em>
  <span> is her book but her book isn’t here and she looks up and there’s Mary with her pocket watch and--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They told me you had been to her, And mentioned me to him: She gave me a good character, But said I could not swim,” Alice says, her eyes glassy. She’s in Wonderland. It’s easy. She just has to keep goin. “He sent them word I had not gone (We know it to be true): If she should push the matter on, What would become of you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Beth?” Kate asked, holding her by the shoulders and trying to meet her eyes. “Beth, you’re scaring us. Is there something wrong with her, Doctor? Did they give her something?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I gave her one, they gave him two, You gave us three or more; They all returned from him to you, Though they were mine before.” Alice is vaguely aware of the fact that Kate is touching her, shaking her, but the words are </span>
  <em>
    <span>right there</span>
  </em>
  <span> and Alice needs them. She doesn’t know how else to deal with things. “If I or she should chance to be Involved in this affair, He trusts to you to set them free, Exactly as we were.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something sharp pricks her arm and now it’s the doctor looking at her, speaking to her with words that make sense but they don’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>fit</span>
  </em>
  <span> so Alice ignores them. There is no Doctor in Wonderland. “My notion was that you had been (Before she had this fit) An obstacle that came between Him, and ourselves, and it.” Someone is pressing against the inside of her elbow, holding something there. She feels overwhelmed with sensation; there’s so much going on this room. The lights are so bright, the noises outside are constant, everything is so </span>
  <em>
    <span>different</span>
  </em>
  <span> and Alice has to keep going because if she stops she’ll be lost and she’ll never find her way back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t let him know she liked them best, For this must ever be A secret, Kept from all the rest, Between yourself and me.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wake up, Alice dear!” Mary is in front of her this time, holding her pocket watch. “Why, what a long sleep you’ve had!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s out of order but the words--the </span>
  <em>
    <span>words</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Familiar and good and Alice stills and closes her eyes. “Oh, I’ve had such a curious dream.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mary hisses something at Kate and Kate holds the pocket watch and-- “It </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> a curious dream, dear, certainly: but now run in to your tea; it’s getting late.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The words. The lines. Kate said them and Alice can </span>
  <em>
    <span>see </span>
  </em>
  <span>her now, can look at her without feeling as if she’s tumbling away. “I’m sorry that I’ve scared you,” Alice manages. They are taking her blood, she realizes. The doctor has it in vials and Alice wonders what it’s for. Tests, maybe. Although she has no idea what kind they will be. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She watches as the doctor carries the vials over to a table on the other side of the room covered in machines that Alice doesn’t recognize. She feels so </span>
  <em>
    <span>lost</span>
  </em>
  <span> here and she finds herself clinging to Kate even though she doesn’t know when she grabbed her hand. She looks up at her twin and she searches her eyes for answers. They’re pale blue, just like hers. Familiar. Like she has spent years looking at them across tables and desks and rooms and she can’t help but wonder what they would both be like had they grown up together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>One of the machines whirs and there’s a TV screen next to it but it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>flat</span>
  </em>
  <span> and Alice doesn’t understand how it’s so small. There are pictures on it with lines that she can’t understand and words that she can’t read from here. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Preliminary tests don’t show any indication of drugs. Other than her superficial injuries… she’s healthy. Physically, at least.” The doctor looks far too serious for Alice’s liking and she tightens her grip on Kate’s hand, afraid that something is horribly wrong. “Do you want me to send in someone to interview her or do you want to take her to one of the interview rooms?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“One of the rooms is probably better,” Mary says. “That way everything is set up already.” Alice doesn’t understand what she means but Kate nods reluctantly. She helps Alice down off of the bed and pulls her into a gentle hug. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay, Beth--</span>
  <em>
    <span>Alice</span>
  </em>
  <span>. You’re going to be okay, I promise.” For some reason, Alice is certain that Kate is saying it more for herself than anything. It’s--endearing. Like Kate cares about her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Will you make sure that Mouse is safe?” she asks. “He is my brother and--he has </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> hurt me. Please, dear sister, you have to ensure that he stays </span>
  <em>
    <span>away</span>
  </em>
  <span> from the Queen of Hearts.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll do what I can. Come on--we’ll tell Dad about it. He’ll fix it.” Kate lets go of her and takes her hand again. They leave the room and move into the large room filled with more people than Alice has ever seen. It’s overwhelming and her chest feels tight at the sight of </span>
  <em>
    <span>so many</span>
  </em>
  <span> people, several of them watching her far too closely. The borrowed clothes make her feel bare--she should be in a </span>
  <em>
    <span>dress</span>
  </em>
  <span>, not dressed like this. It’s wrong. She </span>
  <em>
    <span>feels </span>
  </em>
  <span>wrong. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly they’re walking through a door and the man who is supposed to be her father is already sitting at a table. The room is small and lit poorly and it’s--strangely comforting. Alice has spent years in a dark room and this feels familiar. Kate sits in a chair across from their father and gently guides Alice into the chair beside her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s staring at her, looking at her like he doesn’t believe that she exists and Alice does her best not to squirm--</span>
  <em>
    <span>stay still, you stupid child, I won’t have you behaving like this!</span>
  </em>
  <span> She stares at the table, afraid to look up. “So, these people you were living with… can you tell me about them?” he asks. His voice is low but she can </span>
  <em>
    <span>feel</span>
  </em>
  <span> the anger in his tone and Alice fights the urge to curl in on herself, well aware that doing so is foolish and she knows better than that. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She can’t find her voice but he doesn’t demand more of her. Instead, Kate is the one to prompt her. “Can you tell us about Mouse?” she asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He is my brother,” Alice says, her mouth dry with fear. “He is kind to me. I--I’m meant to keep him company. The Caterpillar knows that it’s important for him to have someone his own age to talk to. He is afraid that Mouse will be treated poorly if he leaves.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why would he be treated poorly?” her father asks. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“His face. He--he has terrible scars. The Caterpillar has worked to find a way to fix him and so I fix him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The Caterpillar brings me skin. It--it’s quite easy if you know what you’re doing. Delicate stitches make it seamless. It doesn’t last forever, of course, and the Caterpillar has to bring more for him.” She finally looks up, feeling desperate. “He needs me. Without me--he will be all alone. The Caterpillar cannot fix his face alone and he’ll be ridiculed and the Queen--everything must be perfect. If it’s wrong--” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She feels sick and she has to grip the edge of the table because the Queen has surely destroyed her book by now and it is </span>
  <em>
    <span>everything </span>
  </em>
  <span>and she can barely keep her tears at bay but she </span>
  <em>
    <span>must</span>
  </em>
  <span> because this is important. “I have to go back. Please!” The longer she’s away, the worse it will be. She knows--she knows that the Queen will find her. The Queen will find her and she’ll be so </span>
  <em>
    <span>angry</span>
  </em>
  <span> and it will simply be easier to go back before she finds her. “I have to go back for she will </span>
  <em>
    <span>find </span>
  </em>
  <span>me and she’ll--and the Caterpillar--” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They will </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> touch you again,” her father growls and Alice braces herself because there is only one thing that follows such an outburst. And he’s--so much bigger than the Caterpillar. It will hurt so much more when he hits her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please, </span>
  <em>
    <span>please</span>
  </em>
  <span>!” she’s begging now and she can’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>breathe</span>
  </em>
  <span> and she’s overwhelmed and terrified and she doesn’t know what will happen now that she’s here. At least, with the Queen, she knows the rules, she knows the story, she knows the lines she must say. She feels so </span>
  <em>
    <span>lost</span>
  </em>
  <span> here and she doesn’t know what she’s meant to do. “You don’t understand! You have to send me back to Wonderland! Kate--Kate I can’t stay here!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She lets go of Kate’s hand and she’s standing and she finds herself pressed against the wall and she wants to </span>
  <em>
    <span>leave </span>
  </em>
  <span>but she’s so afraid of going back and the lines--the </span>
  <em>
    <span>lines</span>
  </em>
  <span>--the book. She doesn’t know what words to use and anything has to do because if they don’t--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How doth the little crocodile Improve his shining tail, And pour the waters of the Nile On every golden scale! How cheerfully he seems to grin, How neatly spread his claws, And welcome little fishes in With gently smiling jaws!” Words, words. A poem. Easy. “‘I’m sure those are not the right words,’ said poor Alice, and her eyes filled with tears again as she went on, ‘I must be Mabel after all, and I shall have to go and live in that poky little house, and have next to no toys to play with, and oh! Ever so many lessons to learn!’” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>What happens next? More about Mabel. A glove. But the pages are so far away, so lost, and Alice feels like she’s tumbled into an entirely different Wonderland where the rules have all changed and she’s left fumbling for right words. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What is she saying?” her father asks and his voice is too loud in such a small place and the door is close but outside this room there are </span>
  <em>
    <span>so many</span>
  </em>
  <span> people and they aren’t in her story and she doesn’t know what is to happen and she is trapped. The room feels too small now, like she’s taken a growing potion and she doesn’t know where she’ll find something to shrink her back down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alice in Wonderland,” Kate says and Alice is ever so grateful that her sister isn’t coming any closer to her. “It helps her. I don’t know why but Mary tried it and it worked.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>She </span>
  </em>
  <span>pulls out a pocket watch just like the Rabbit’s and it doesn’t make sense because Alice’s sister isn’t supposed to have a pocket watch. “‘Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?’ ‘That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,’ said the Cat.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“‘I don’t much care where--’ said Alice.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“‘Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,’ said the Cat.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“‘--so long as I get somewhere,’ Alice added as an explanation.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, you’re sure to do that,’ said the Cat, ‘if only you walk long enough.’” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The words are easy. Smooth. Soothing. Familiar. Safe. Alice no longer feels quite so big, like she’s shrunk to the proper size again and it’s easier to breathe. “I have to leave,” she says but she feels defeated now and perhaps like she’s shrunk </span>
  <em>
    <span>too </span>
  </em>
  <span>much because now she feels so small as she slides onto the floor. “You have to understand.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kate exchanges a look with her father before kneeling down next to her. “I’ve been looking for you for almost ten years,” she says. “I thought about you every single day, about how you’d laugh at me for making a fool of myself in front of some pretty girl or how you’d hold my hand when things were hard. I wished that I could go back and pull you out of the car or that I would’ve fought you for the front seat so that I would’ve gone over instead of you. But--I can’t change any of that now. But I can be here for you. I can and I </span>
  <em>
    <span>will</span>
  </em>
  <span> keep you safe for the rest of your life.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alice remembers--there was a time, back when she wasn’t quite Alice yet, that a boy had gone after her. He had been older, bigger, invading her space, making her feel uncomfortable. And Kate had come out of nowhere before not-quite-Alice could cry out for her and she had attacked him. Made him cry. Hurled threats at his retreating back. Pulled not-quite-Alice into a hug and the boy had never bothered her again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kate will keep her safe. Kate--Kate will fight the Caterpillar for her, Kate will take down the Queen of Hearts if she has to. It’s what Kate does. And if Kate could take on a teenage boy when they were eleven--surely she is unstoppable by now. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alice swallows and reaches out for Kate carefully. And Kate--she holds her like she’s the only thing that matters and Alice is crying and clinging to her and, for the first time since she became Alice, she feels safe. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alice,” Kate says once Alice starts to still in her arms. “You need to tell us what they did so that, when we find them, we can put them in jail so they can’t hurt you or Mouse again. Can you tell us what they did? Or--if that’s too much--what did you do today? Can you tell me that at least?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Small steps. Maybe Alice can do this. She doesn’t know </span>
  <em>
    <span>what</span>
  </em>
  <span> they want her to say but she can tell them enough if she tries. “I have to be the first one up,” she says as she stares at their father’s feet over Kate’s shoulder. He’s still seated, hands clasped firmly on the table. “I have to make the tea for the Queen. She needs it to be ready for her when she wakes and, if it’s too hot--” Just the </span>
  <em>
    <span>thought</span>
  </em>
  <span> of the scalding tea on her hands, her face, her legs is enough to make her shudder. “And I started breakfast. The Caterpillar likes his coffee and Mouse has begun to drink it, too. The Caterpillar was up early this morning and I had to bring him his coffee in the workshop. I don’t know what he was working on but I suspect that he has a new face for me to work on.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kate takes a deep breath and Alice can just </span>
  <em>
    <span>tell</span>
  </em>
  <span> that she’s about to ask a question but, instead, Kate exhales slowly and pulls away just enough so that she can see her face. Her hands are still on her shoulders, keeping Alice anchored. “And what happened next?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I took the Queen her breakfast. She had no complaints today. Mouse and I ate together in the kitchen but then he had to go work on his lessons.” Alice feels lightheaded as she stares over Kate’s shoulder, gaze still fixed on their father’s shoes. It barely feels real anymore. “The Queen has been tired lately so I collected her dishes and cleaned. Today I scrubbed the floors because everything must be in order and any spec of dust can be harmful to the Queen. She has poor lungs, you see, and if I’m not careful, something terrible might befall the Queen. The Caterpillar sent Mouse to join me after I was done cleaning the kitchen floor so that I could check his face. He’ll need a new one soon since the one he is wearing has begun to fray at the edges.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Who will give him his new face now that Alice is here? Who will know how to peel back the skin to ensure that it doesn’t tear? “I made lunch and the Queen sent me to get the Caterpillar so that she could talk to him after she finished eating. She takes her rest at two and I have to stay close in case she calls me. I sat to read my book today but--the noise. Your motorcycle, Kate, is the loudest thing I have ever heard and all I could think about was what would happen if you woke her up too early.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She finally pulls her gaze upward, finding Kate staring at her grimly. “I knew I had to stop you. But the alarm--I had never gone that far, before. The woods are full of </span>
  <em>
    <span>monsters</span>
  </em>
  <span> and I only need one hand to cook and sew and clean and putting us all in danger by trying to leave will just let the Caterpillar know that I do </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> need my left hand but the wrath of the Queen is far worse than the Caterpillar’s threats and I couldn’t let you wake the Queen. But--it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> and I dropped my book.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The world seems disconnected. Unreal, even. Like a dream or maybe a nightmare. She’s looking at Kate but she barely </span>
  <em>
    <span>sees</span>
  </em>
  <span> her and she can’t even feel Kate’s hands on her shoulders anymore. She’s adrift in her own mind, coming untethered because nothing makes sense anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shit,” Kate says and Alice </span>
  <em>
    <span>hears</span>
  </em>
  <span> it but she can’t make sense of it. Kate is talking to her and she shakes her but it’s like she’s watching it from the other side of the room. There’s movement and their father is in front of her now and she knows that she should be afraid because he’s sure to be angry with her but she simply lets him touch her as he tilts her chin upwards. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s easier like this. Easier to just… stop. To just let everything pass over her without fighting it. She knows that it’s not good---Mouse always tells her how scared he is when this happens--but she can’t bring herself to care about anything right now. She’s just--numb. Broken. Her father is speaking to her and she catches her name a few times but it means nothing to her right now. She is vaguely aware that Kate moved away from her but it isn’t until something cold touches her that she reacts. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something cold and wet is being pressed into her hand and Alice blinks and stares at it. An ice cube, she realizes dimly. Kate had gotten it for her. Alice has no idea why but she feels--solid. Real. “Can you hear me?” Kate asks and Alice looks up at her, actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>seeing</span>
  </em>
  <span> her this time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes.” The ice is cold and wet and it dribbles down her wrist and she can feel each and every drop as it lands on her leg. “Thank you for finding me,” she says and she knows that their father is right in front of her but she doesn’t look at him, still too frightened to dare. “I thought that I would never leave Wonderland.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe this will be okay. Maybe Alice will be safe. Maybe Alice will wake up and all of this will be just a curious dream. The ice is dripping and Alice feels more like herself than she has in far too long. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry that I couldn’t come earlier,” Kate says and she’s crying. Strange, Alice thinks, that someone might cry on her behalf. “I went there because I was upset. I thought that it might make me feel closer to you. I never expected--we thought you were dead. I’m so sorry.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alice,” their father says. Gently. Like he’s afraid that he might hurt her. “The Caterpillar--he held you there against your will? And he hurt you?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I had to learn how to stay in Wonderland. He kept me until I knew that I had to stay. He only punishes me if I’ve been bad. The Queen--she’s quick to anger. She finds me frustrating and I never learn quick enough. All I’m good for is housework, nothing else.” She doesn’t look at her father because it’s too much. Her tone is flat, like it doesn’t matter. Like nothing matters. She can feel herself slipping again, her eyes glazing over as she tries to hide away in her book. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The Crows have already been dispatched. We’ll find them and lock them up for the rest of their lives.” His tone is no longer gentle but Alice knows that it’s not directed at her. He’s angry at the Caterpillar. At the Queen. And, just maybe, it will be okay. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The cold water from the ice dribbles onto her leg as the ice cube dissolves to almost nothing in her hand. The ground beneath her is cold. The wall behind her is solid. Kate is wiping at her tears. “Was that enough?” Kate asks their father. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Enough for now. She’ll have to make a more formal statement and she should be interviewed by someone else to keep this from feeling less biased. But we’ll have enough to hold them when we bring them in. Get Mary and take her home. She probably needs to eat something but you should keep it basic. She’s already overwhelmed enough.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, Alice, let’s get you out of here,” Kate says as she stands. She gently pulls Alice to her feet, taking care to make sure she’s steady before stepping back. There’s a cup of water on the table, Alice notes, and she wonders if it has been there this whole time or if someone had slipped it in when Alice had drifted away. It doesn’t matter, really, but it’s something to focus on since the ice in her hand has melted into nothing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kate looks worried but she simply takes her hand and leads the way out. Alice hesitates at the doorway, overwhelmed by everything beyond the door. But she </span>
  <em>
    <span>knows </span>
  </em>
  <span>that she has to go and it’s only the fact that Kate is the one who is leading her that makes her move. People are </span>
  <em>
    <span>looking</span>
  </em>
  <span> and Alice has to shut her eyes and trust Kate to lead the way. It’s so much. Too much. But Kate’s steps are slow and steady and no one approaches them or speaks to them and they’re in the elevator again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kate’s shorter than her, Alice realizes as she finally opens her eyes. When they were younger, their height differences had been tiny. Now--now Alice is several inches taller and it’s strange to think that things have changed. Movement catches her eye and Alice jumps but it’s simply the Rabbit with her apologetic smile and her pocket watch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Are you hungry?” she asks. “I’m sure we can find you something to eat at the apartment--Kate just got home so Dad stocked up since Kate burns through calories like a horse.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“After dealing with army food for this long, you </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span> I’m going to eat my weight in food every day this week,” Kate says lightly and it’s--light. Familiar. Like things are </span>
  <em>
    <span>okay</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They are in a box and Alice is scared and everything is </span>
  <em>
    <span>so much</span>
  </em>
  <span> but--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looks at Mary again and realizes that she’s following the Rabbit down what could very well be a rabbit hole. And this--maybe </span>
  <em>
    <span>this </span>
  </em>
  <span>will be Wonderland. So maybe this is okay--yes, this can be okay. This is the way that the book says it is and it’s--good. It’s fine and Alice can do this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know how you lived off of that stuff. Even </span>
  <em>
    <span>astronauts </span>
  </em>
  <span>eat better,” Mary continues. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Astronauts. That’s--an unusual word. Something that Alice doesn’t recognize and she </span>
  <em>
    <span>wants </span>
  </em>
  <span>to ask but--she doesn’t want to ruin this. She doesn’t want to break the strange, fragile peace that has fallen over them. “Yeah, well, being an astronaut’s easy. All you have to do is sit up there and take readings and float around. Even a monkey could do it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Mary scoffs but there’s no anger in her tone or on her face. She’s--happy. Worried, yes, but not angry. Not frustrated the way that one might expect. Alice likes her, she decides. And, maybe, if she follows Mary, maybe she’ll be happy. Maybe she’ll wake up and all of this will have been a dream. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The elevator stops and the quiet that had fallen over her shatters as Alice takes in just how big and </span>
  <em>
    <span>dark</span>
  </em>
  <span> the parking lot is. So many cars. All of them dark and shiny and hulking. Like giant insects waiting to lunge, prepared to corner them and tear them to shreds. “It’s not a far drive, Alice,” Mary says as she gently touches her elbow to get her attention. “Five minutes in the car and you won’t have to go in one for a long time. And Kate can read with you the whole time. She has the book on her phone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kate’s jaw is clenched so tightly that Alice worries that she might hurt herself. But it’s easier to focus on that than to think about the fact that they’re walking through an army of silent beasts. It only takes an incredibly short walk for them to reach the car and Alice feels sick just looking at it. It’s too small. It’s too--too--</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A car crash. A bridge. Kate screaming. Their mother dead in the driver’s seat. Not-yet-Alice’s seatbelt refusing to unbuckle as the car teeters on the edge. The fall. The water. Waking up in Wonderland. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’s in the car suddenly and Kate is speaking. No, reading. The beginnings of the book. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Alice is in the car with her eyes closed and her face buried in Kate’s shoulder and Kate is reading and the car is moving and Alice says the words along with her sister, mumbling them into her coat. They get to the second chapter and the car stops and Kate is quiet for a moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alice looks up and there is Mary in her white dress and her pocket watch in hand, standing up and opening the door for her. She takes Alice’s hand and helps her step out of the car, Kate a step behind her. “It’s time to go home, Alice,” Mary says and she’s smiling and she pulls Alice along gently with her and it feels--okay. Easy. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Good</span>
  </em>
  <span>, even. And, this time, when they step onto the elevator, Alice doesn’t flinch when the doors slide closed. </span>
</p>
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